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Cancer recurrence during COVID19 and Jim McGee's "Due for a fall."

3/19/2020

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I certainly picked a bad time to get cancer again.  

On Tuesday my PET CT came back suggestive of recurrence in the right pelvic sidewall.  Because a biopsy at the time of my cancer surgery two years ago told us there were cancer cells there, we knew this day would come.  Those cells were sleeping during my remission but appear to have woken up.   Getting cancer just as the world goes under with COVID19 is such unimaginable bad luck I can barely comprehend it.

Before I can start chemotherapy, I need to have a GI stricture dilated and I need my dysfunctional portacath replaced.  But COVID19 has resulted in a province-wide shut down of all day procedures.  

I have emailed and left messages with my cancer doctors trying to get answers.  Surgeon’s offices are all closed.  There is no answer at the Cancer Centre.  I have no path forward.

The surgery for my escalating cataracts has likewise been canceled indefinitely.  Without it, I will eventually lose my vision and I cannot have it if I am on chemotherapy.  But as one little candle of human kindness, my phenomenal optometrist has stepped up, saying he will monitor my prescription and help me get glasses.

COVID19 has put all of us where cancer patients live: in fear, in isolation, with no security for the future.  All of us are living in surreal times.  My book The Cancer Olympics illustrated how we as a community came together to foster my survival and that of others through our advocacy.  The whole world needs such support today.  All of us. 

Today’s song “Due for a Fall” was written by my brother Jim McGee, after our mother died of cancer.  I choose it today for its resonant imagery of unknown waters, of an uneasy future, and a dreamlike yearning for safety.   

I get the gist of it, the core and the grist of it
Don't need no sordid detail
You found that damned scoundrel, the forger, the vandal
I hope you succeed where I failed
 
Somehow I have drifted beyond the horizon
The spires of my hometown sink slowly behind me
Ahead the abyss where the sky meets the ocean
It's clear to me now I am due for a fall
 
They say the world ends where the sky meets the ocean
No credible witness has ever returned
I fear for the mariners long out to sea
Their children sleep restless until they make harbour
 
Somehow I have drifted beyond the horizon
The spires of my hometown sink slowly behind me
Ahead the abyss where the sky meets the ocean
It's clear to me now I am due for a fall
 
I can't get a grip on it, a handle, a fist on it
My friend denial keeps watch while I'm sleeping
I dreamed that I lived in the time of the healers
The past and the future not mine for the keeping
 
Somehow I have drifted beyond the horizon
The spires of my hometown sink slowly behind me
Ahead the abyss where the sky meets the ocean
It's clear to me now I am due for a fall 

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Cancer confusion and the Hendrix version of "All along the Watchtower."

2/7/2020

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“There must be some kind of way out of here,"
Said the joker to the thief,
"There's too much confusion,
I can't get no relief.”
 
So opens the famous “All along the Watchtower.”  Written by Bob Dylan, it was immortalized by Jimi Hendrix on his 1968 album Electric Ladyland.  Jimi is the greatest guitarist in history according to Rolling Stone magazine. 
 
I choose it today because it captures the anxiety of the healthcare limbo I am in right now.  The speakers feel trapped.  They feel uneasy.  They cannot see the exit.  
 
A recent CT scan showed pelvic sidewall thickening since the last one 18 months ago.  Is it recurrence or post-surgical scar tissue?  I am currently awaiting a PET CT to find out.  No word on a date for it.
 
To have my unstable temporary ostomy reversed, I need to rule out cancer recurrence and dilate the severe stricture I have at my anastomosis site.  But at a recent scope, the surgeon endoscopist said that he believes I am too damaged for reversal.  The resection is too low, and the scarring from repeated surgeries too great, for me to have tolerable function afterwards.  I have asked for a follow up appointment to learn more, but no word on a date for that either.
 
But where does that leave me with the dysfunction and pain I currently have?  I have called every ostomy nurse I know. All have said they have never had a partially diverted patient with a severe stricture.  Yesterday, one said she did not believe any surgeon would convert me to the more tolerable lifestyle of a permanent colostomate: I must remain as I am for life.  And no one can answer if the stricture will ever be treated, or how to manage it if not.
 
In the song, the speakers are troubled by the evasiveness of others.  They doubt the veracity of those around them.  
 
“Businessman they drink my wine,
Plowman dig my earth
No one will level on the line,
nobody offered his word."
 
But I am still alive, two years after my huge cancer surgery.  Most people with aggressive disease are dead by now.  If I am still in remission after two years, reportedly my bleak prognosis improves somewhat, giving me more time.   The speakers in the song also try to rise above the darkness:

"No reason to get excited,"
The thief, he kindly spoke
"There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I, we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now,
the hour is getting late."

I have started back to full time work, searching for that illusion of normalcy, and to forge ahead in the face of uncertainty.  I struggle to balance commitment and enthusiasm for my job with my unclear path forward, retirement prospects, and my time remaining on earth.
 
In the song, the narrative vision pulls back, revealing the medieval world of the joker and the thief.  The two are riding towards a fortress as a storm brews and nature menaces.  

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Barefoot servants, too

Outside in the cold distance
A wildcat did growl
Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl.
 
Will they make it?  Will they be let in?  Are those who are supposed to shelter them trustworthy? 
 
How does it resolve?  Living each day in healthcare suspense, “I can’t get no relief.”
 
 

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Return to work after cancer, medical error, and the Indigo Girls' "Watershed."

12/7/2019

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As those who have heard  my story well know, medical error is rampant.  The CBC recently reported that over 70,000 Ontario patients are avoidably harmed during medical care each year.  In November I and Patients for Patient Safety Canada met with the Minister of Health and Wellness of Nova Scotia.  The meeting was one in a series of roundtables being held in each province. We wanted to propose better post-error policy. 
 
Minister Doherty was very personable, introducing himself to us as "Randy."  (He even asked for an autographed copy of The Cancer Olympics!) He listened attentively to our ask: that if a patient is harmed in hospital, and an investigation into the error ensues, the patient/family will be informed of the outcome in writing.  Also, we recommended patient presence on committees tasked with investigating an adverse incident.  Hopefully, having a patient at the table will help shift the culture from one that protects clinicians and organizations to one that protects patients. 
 
But other big things went down last month.  When I saw my surgeon a month ago, I was looking forward to telling him that I was planning to return to work in January.  I had thought I could postpone my ostomy reversal surgery until my retirement.  He surprised me by saying that I should have the correction as soon as possible.  Apparently, organs get used to being dysfunctional if they are offline too long, making adjustment worse.  I will need many things first: imaging by PET-CT to ensure I am not having another recurrence, endoscopy and balloon treatments to address a stricture, and a pelvic MRI to guide any intervention.
 
It will take months to move through that checklist, provided I am even good to do so. This sudden change of plan is very welcome to me, as I would dearly love to say goodbye to Flipper Number Two.  But there is another consequence of the change.  I am back to work NOW!  I will work, gradually getting to full time, until I must go off for the surgery.  I know from experience, having had a reversal before, that I will be very disabled for many months afterwards.  So I am back at it until my next big disjuncture.  My first full day was last week.
 
Why go back at all, people ask.  Why not just retire?  There are many reasons for my desire to go back beyond the obvious financial advantages.  For many of us, work is an identity.  Because cancer strips us of everything, taking back this aspect of personhood seems like a victory of sorts.  So even a brief sojourn into the working world is like a reclamation.  Socially, it will diversify my restricted existence.  Because I am stage IV, I know well that disability and decline await me one day.  I want another kick at the “normal life” can before they descend.
 
So what is today’s song? The Indigo Girls’ song “Watershed” from their 1990 album Nomads Indians Saints is about decision in the face of uncertainty.  A watershed is an area of land that catches precipitation and drains or seeps into groundwater or another body of water.  It is a place of change. The Indigo Girls’ clever harmonies capture the courage and curiosity it takes to tackle life choices.  Life is capricious – our plans go awry, our way is confounded, our destiny indeterminate.  And yet, we go on because we choose to.  We transform, as the rain does.  
 
Thought I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honey's
Gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
'Cause the crossing is chilly and wide
 
Twisted guardrails on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
They say that it's never too late
But you don't, you don't get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
 
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
'Til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
 
And there's always retrospect (when you're looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top (start at the top)
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me want to stand still
 
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
'Til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
 
Stepping on a crack (stepping on a crack)
Breaking up and looking back
'Til every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait
'Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate (twist of fate)
 
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
'Til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
 
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
'Til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
 
And when you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

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Bucket list travel and The Partridge Family's "C'mon get happy."

10/24/2019

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After months of travel, I am home again.  
 
My most recent adventure was a bucket-list trip to Italy.  For the first two weeks, I rented a villa in Tuscany along with five of my six siblings, a cousin, and all respective spouses – 12 of us in total.  The final week Andrew and I spent in Sorrento on the Amalfi Coast.  The art, the landscapes, and the food were superlative.  It was joyous, restful, fun, and most importantly – delicious!
 
How did I afford this?  I used the money from the medical malpractice settlement I received after the heinous events described in The Cancer Olympics.   It felt good to see some joy come out of experiences that were so tortuous. Nothing can restore my lost life chances.  However, a fragment of quality of life can be discovered, like a jewel on a beach after a storm and shipwreck.
 
Now home, I must face the music.  I must pursue the medical appointments, blood tests, scans, and all other tests that establish the status of my cancer right now.  I had put all that off while travelling.
 
And now that I am home, I once again begin my patient advocacy adventures.  Several await me.  This month, I will give a talk on my experiences to the medical reception course at my local college.  I am working on two presentations on medical error and appropriate apology practice.  And most important of all, I am scheduled to meet with the Minister of Health of Nova Scotia, along with others, to discuss patient safety. What issues would you like raised? 
 
Before I hit that reset button, I want to relish the memories of my enjoyable family time.  To that end, today’s song is “C’mon get happy” by David Cassidy – the theme from the 70’s hit series The Partridge Family.  My agemates will remember how the Partridge’s travelled together singing their songs.  In Italy, my family did not sing together (apart from “Happy Birthday”) but the celebration of togetherness and travel in this song makes me smile.
 
Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin'
C'mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin'
We'll make you happy

We had a dream we'd go trav'lin' together
We'd spread a little lovin then we'd keep movin' on
Somethin' always happens whenever we're together
We get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

Trav'lin' along there's a song that we're singin'
C'mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin'
We'll make you happy
We'll make you happy
We'll make you happy
 

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Journey Homewards and Nancy Sinatra's "You only live twice."

8/31/2019

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The bucket list travel continues on! We are on our way home, back to Nova Scotia, travelling back across Canada.  Initially, we crossed to Vancouver, then sailed on a cruise to Alaska.  The latter had a land part of the journey that took us across the state to Dawson City, Yukon.  Afterwards, we flew back to Vancouver, drove the jawdropping Sea-to-Sky highway of BC, and continued from thence over the Rockies.  Now, we are on the glorious prairie.
 
The geography I have seen has been staggering:  stupendous mountains and expansive vistas, voluminous rushing rivers, weird and enigmatic badlands.  The enormity of the landscapes is matched only by the ancientness of their histories.  I am surrounded by story.  In each place, stories are told of the land, and the peoples of it.  Mostly, these are stories of backbreaking work to build railways and farms and homesteads, or to endure the same.  How small are our little lives in the great scope of things?  In Alberta, I held in my hands the bones of a dinosaur dead 75 million years.  Such an experience puts one’s own story and one’s own mortality in perspective.  I will pass away as we all will - and even the land will eventually alter into unimaginable forms.  It has always been so.  
 
My left leg remains numb and dysfunctional due to that post-surgical femoral nerve damage.  I can walk on it now.  It seems such a small price for being able to eat, travel, sleep, and relate like a person.  After two years of brutal treatments for cancer and its complications, it often seemed that anything even approaching normality was forever out of reach. Cancer is a glacier that carves each time it retreats. 
 
I continue, however, to see this second remission as an oasis.  This inner space is finite and precious.  Mindfulness enhances my repose.  Each day is a sanctuary to rest within.   If only I could stay here forever!
 
Today’s song is Nancy Sinatra’s 1967 version of “You only live twice” from the Bond film of the same name.  I remember it fondly as the radio background when I a little girl. I choose it for how it echoes my travel experiences – the sweeping violins speak of seeing from great heights and descending to breathtaking vistas.  But I choose it also for the “carpe diem” resonance of its mystic lyrics, hinting at mortality and second chances.
 
You only live twice
or so it seems
One life for yourself, 
and one for your dreams
 
You drift through the years
and life seems tame
till one dream appears
and love is its name
 
And love is a stranger
who'll beckon you on
Don't think of the danger
or the stranger is gone
 
This dream is for you 
so pay the price
Make one dream come true
you only live twice
 
And love is a stranger
who'll beckon you on
Don't think of the danger
or the stranger is gone
 
This dream is for you
so pay the price
Make one dream come true
you only live twice
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Post-treatment drifting and Gershwin's "Summertime."

7/25/2019

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We continue to  adventure our way through Canada, Andrew and I and our cute little 18-foot trailer.   We have crossed out of rugged Manitoba and into the vastness of the Prairies, the majesty of the Rockies, and the splendour of BC’s Okanagan valley.  We have made it to the Pacific coast!  We are now preparing for our trip to Alaska and Yukon, which leaves from Vancouver in just a few days.
 
We have kept up a decent photojournal of our travels, with many of the most remarkable of our pictures going to Facebook.  But no photos can do this geography justice.  Canada is so vast, so varied, so storied, so astonishing.  Each day I treasure the privilege of living here.  I embrace our common Canadian values as I travel, even as I marvel at my country’s magnificence.  
 
In my last post I described the relaxed and spaced-out feeling I had once my treatments had ended. Perhaps I am less floaty as time goes on.  Instead, I am mindfully relishing the passing minutes.  Some moments seem suddenly like jewels, faceted through the pleasures of nature, the lusciousness of food, and the warmth of my daily companionship with Andrew.  I particularly love the freedom from heavy concerns.  I know it is an illusion given my terminal status, but I allow myself to drift away from serious worries, as if I were on the current of the waterways flowing through the everlasting landscapes around me.
 
So today’s song choice is “Summertime” written by George Gershwin in 1934 for the musical Porgy and Bess. My favourite cover is the magical 1958 duet by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.  This song has been awarded a special Grammy for its longevity and historical significance. When I was working, I would play this version for myself on the last day of school each year.  But today, I choose it for its dreamy sizzle so suggestive of a summer haze, and for the comfort and hope within its loving lullaby. 
 
Summertime
And the living is easy
Fish are jumping
And the cotton is high
Your Daddy’s rich
And your Ma is good-looking
So hush little baby
Don’t you cry
 
One of these mornings
You gonna rise up singing.
Yes you’ll spread your wings
And you’ll take to the sky
But till that morning
There’s nothing can harm you
with Daddy and Mammy standing by.
 
Summertime
And the living is easy
Fish are jumping
And the cotton is high
Oh your Daddy’s rich
And your Ma is good-looking
So hush little baby
Baby
Don’t you cry
 
Oh don’t you cry.
Don’t you cry.
Don’t you cry.
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After-the-treatment mindfulness and Van Morrison's "Caravan."

6/28/2019

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When I was finally home after all those months of surgery and treatment in Toronto, I felt strange. I had a floating, depersonalized, relaxed feeling.  Was it the medications I was on? Was it the CBD oil? Or was it the euphoric feeling of freedom that comes with a sudden cessation of prolonged effort?  It felt like coasting downhill on a smooth path after a hard climb.  The newness of it allowed me to push the re-set button on everything – my relationships, my future plans, my enjoyments.
 
We launched our big trip. We are camping through Canada’s National and Provincial Parks with our 18-foot trailer.  Throughout, I remained in that state of fuzzy-headed mindfulness. I really tasted food, I really listened to birds, I really grooved to some 70s music.  The beauty and diversity of Canada’s coasts and lake and mountains dazzles my senses.  I continue to have numbness and pain in my leg due to that post-surgical femoral nerve damage, and it limits my function, but in my tranquil state I let that go. My joy in being fully repaired from my defect fills me anew each day.  
 
Perhaps my “in-the-present” mental state is also the result of being in remission from my inevitably fatal cancer.  This remission will not last.  Who knows how long I have before I go downhill again?  I know one thing – I will enjoy this break as much as I can, floating on the knowledge of my hard-won temporary safety.  I have swum to this island, and I will lie down upon it and bask in the sun.
 
The song I have selected for this time is a famous one.  Van Morrison sang “Caravan” in 1970, on his celebrated album Moondance.  It was a longstanding concert hit of his.  I choose it for its expression of delight in the pleasing joys of a camping life, and for its unabashed revelling in life’s simple pleasures.
 
And the caravan is on its way
I can hear the merry gypsies play
Mama Mama, look at Emma Rose
She’s a-playin with the radio
La la la la…
 
And the caravan has all my friends
It will stay with me until the end
Gypsy Robin and sweet Emma Rose
Tell me everything I need to know
La la la la…
 
Turn up your radio and let me hear the song
Switch on your electric light
Then we can get down to what is really wrong
I long to hold you tight so I can feel you
Sweet lady of the night I shall reveal you
 
Turn it up, turn it up, little bit higher, radio
Turn it up, turn it up, so you know, radio
La la la la…
 
And the caravan is painted red and white
That means ev’rybodys staying overnight
Barefoot gypsy player round the campfire sing and play
And a woman tells us of her ways
La la la la…
 
Turn up your radio and let me hear the song
Switch on your electric light
Then we can get down to what is really wrong
I long to hold you tight so I can feel you
Sweet lady of the night I shall reveal you
 
Turn it up, turn it up, little bit higher, radio
Turn it up, that’s enough, so you know it’s got soul
Radio, radio, turn it up, mmm
La la la la…
 

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Recovery, homecoming, and Gordon Lightfoot's "Your Love's Return."

5/15/2019

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Home! Home! Home!

I get to return home this Saturday!  After being in Toronto for surgery and treatments for three months, I can finally return to Nova Scotia.  Recovery is slow but progressing.  I can walk well with my cane.  The results of the femoral nerve MRI proved unhelpful to the neurologist – however, he said that the fact I am improving suggests that the nerve was compressed and will recover in several months.  All my tubes are gone at last.  My urologist surgeon is pleased with how I am doing and will continue to follow me as I go forward.

I am back in NS for only two weeks before my next big adventure.  Andrew and I will be taking 12 weeks to drive across Canada, camping with our beloved little trailer.  When we get to Vancouver, we will leave on an Alaska/Yukon cruise-tour.  Afterwards, we drive all the way back.  I so long for a break from all my strivings, during which I can breathe in the beauty of my glorious country.  And just plain recover.

For the first time in nine years, I will not be at the Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay for Life.  I have been a top fundraiser in my area for several years. Ironically, this is the year in which I have required the CCS’s resources the most.  Staying at the Halifax and Toronto cancer Lodges for extended periods has truly opened my eyes to the needs met by Relay funds.  Please, everyone, donate to Relay – you can never know when you or your loved ones will need CCS help.

Where will I be instead?  I will be at the National Healthcare Leader’s Conference in…guess where?...Toronto!  Yes, I come all the way back, to serve as a patient advocate as part of my duties on the NHLC planning committee.  I spoke at this conference last year. I shocked and devastated those healthcare leaders with my story of medical wrongdoing, as per The Cancer Olympics and all the wrong since then.  I expect that some in that audience will be surprised to see me alive.

Slowly, slowly, my strength and energy returns.  I begin to glimpse a future, and I am touched by gladness even as I am staggered by all I have been through.  My song choice is therefore “Your Love’s Return,” from 1970, by the euphonious Gordon Lightfoot.  The song’s lyrics are the voice of an errant lover, coaxing the woman he left behind to take him back.  But I choose to hear in the touching lyrics and gorgeous melody the voice of health returning to a ravaged body, enjoining that body to trust in recovery, and to allow in feelings of celebration.  

Readers should know that if you click on a song title in my blog, you will be directed to a YouTube which will play that song.  I encourage you to listen to this song, and to let the sheer beauty of his voice and his message wash over you.

Come to the door my pretty one
Put on your rings and precious things
Hide all your tears as best you can
Try to recall what used to be

Roses are waiting for dewdrops to fall
Climbing your windows and walls
Bells in steeple are ringing, singing
Listen to them talk about your love's return

Let me come in my pretty one
And try to undo what I have done
For I must be forgiven now
I will not lose what I have won

Roses are waiting for dewdrops to fall
Climbing your windows and walls
Leaves in the garden are falling, calling
Listen to them talk about your love's return

Open the door my pretty one
Wake from your sleep and take me home
Open your eyes and look my way
I cannot leave your love alone

Roses are waiting for dewdrops to fall
Climbing your windows and walls
Bells in steeple are ringing, singing
Listen to them talk about your love's return

Your love’s return
 
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Slow surgical recovery and Bruce Cockburn's "One Day I Walk."

5/3/2019

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Some of you will have seen the two-page spread about me in the Halifax Chronicle Herald.  The interview details my astonishing past, and the online version has two videos about my medical error story, one short and one long.  I was pleased with the piece, because it brings readers of The Cancer Olympics up to date with my ongoing struggles, and because it brings attention to the shortcomings in our healthcare system. 
 
Of course, I am following the story of Marilyn Inez Rudderham, whose tearful FB post regarding a similar diagnostic delay has triggered a firestorm of support, and yielded her national attention and a meeting with the premier.  How powerful social media is!  If only I had it back in the day!  I hope to meet her one day.
 
Me? I continue.  Each day, I go to Toronto General Hospital to the HBOT clinic.  Two hours are spent watching CNN on the monotube TV screen. Each day, I either sleep in the chamber or watch agog as America melts down.  Some days, sleeping makes no difference – things are just as crazed when I wake up as when I went to sleep. 
 
I try to catch the shuttle home, and then eat the hospital food (literally driven over from PMH hospital) dinner they give me. Sometimes I have errands that drag me through Toronto’s subways.  Periodically, I have patient advocacy phone calls to make.  By evening, the pain of my leg is often so bad all I can do is lie down and not move.  Netflix and Crave have become beloved companions.
 
But today holds promise for progress!  Today, I hope to lose my one remaining catheter. O joy!  My surgeon is pleased with my healing overall and thinks I shall be ready to fly. We will see how my inner apparatus works, after being offline for 15 months!  But I digress – many hours ago, I had an MRI (at 4:30 in the morning) to determine the site of my femoral nerve damage.  So very slowly, medical answers will be garnered, and hopefully progress made.
 
I get by on CBD oil and Lyrica (a nerve medication), but those sometimes are not enough.  I use extra-strength Advil to help with those crushing breakthroughs. I am helped significantly by weekend visits with family and friends.  It is so therapeutic to be in a home setting instead of an institution.  Often, homesickness creeps in.  I imagine the beautiful spring in the verdant Annapolis Valley, while see the grey skyscrapers and listen to the shrieking sirens of downtown Toronto. Only about three more weeks to go.
 
Today’s song is a one for someone like me, who has been on many hard pathways, and one who longs for home.  Bruce Cockburn wrote “One day I Walk,” for his album High Winds White Sky from 1971.  It has been covered by many, but his version captures an irony, whimsy, and plaintiveness behind the journey, as well as nascent stirrings of hope for a final refuge. 
 
Oh I have been a beggar
And shall be one again
And few the ones with help to lend
Within the world of men

One day I walk in flowers
One day I walk on stones
Today I walk in hours
One day I shall be home

I have sat on the street corner
And watched the bootheels shine
And cried out glad and cried out sad
With every voice but mine

One day I walk in flowers
One day I walk on stones
Today I walk in hours
One day I shall be home

One day I shall be home

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Surgical nerve damage and The Searcher's "Needles and Pins."

4/3/2019

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It is now one month from my 13-hour surgery.   I am now living in the Princess Margaret Cancer Centre Lodge. Andrew is with me until next week – but I will stay on until mid-May, to finish my hyperbaric oxygen treatments.
 
I have recovered in many ways, but in one way I have not.  Using nerve conductance tests, Sunnybrook neurology has confirmed that I have damage to my left femoral nerve.  This condition is screamingly painful and inhibits my ability to walk.  They said the nerve is not totally dead – there was evidence of conductance in it still – which means that I may recover one day.  They are planning an MRI to locate the exact place of the damage, to determine if the nerve is frayed, compressed, or entrapped.  All doctors tell me that it will be a long, long road.  Some days, all the pain and work described in The Cancer Olympics seems forlornly distant. 
 
So now I get along with the aid of a rolling walker.  One day I will graduate to a cane.  Today a physio taught me some exercises I can do to strengthen the thigh muscles, which can waste with this condition.  I have been started on Lyrica, a medication for severe neuropathy, although I am told that I should not experience pain relief on it for another 6 weeks, as one must build slowly to a therapeutic dose.  They offered me fentanyl (!) to help with pain in the meantime – I refused adamantly.
 
They also prescribed CBD oil for the pain.  In Ontario, this must be ordered from Shoppers Drug Mart online once the doctor’s prescription is sent to them.  The rules state that the drug must be mailed.  If one lives far away, and is staying at a residential facility, one can only receive it by mail if the manager of the residence you are in agrees to its arrival by signing a form.  The Lodge manager refused!  They do not want patient medications to arrive by mail – not even insulin.  The other option is it can be sent to a Health Care Provider.  Toronto General has a policy that no patient medications can be mailed to them either!  Shoppers will not allow it to be picked up from a store either!  A crazy loophole here in Ontario, all the crazier since Ontario citizens can now buy cannabis products over the counter at brick-and-mortar stores.  The solution?  Shoppers agreed to mail it to the Lodge anyway – and when they refuse it, it will be sent to the local post office General Delivery, where I can pick it up. How ridiculous is that? 
 
Meanwhile I still have two catheters with which I must contend.  Hopefully one of them will be discontinued in three weeks.  Other would healing appears to be going well, thanks to HBOT.
 
Today’s song was made famous by The Searchers in 1964, “Needles and Pins.”  I chose it because it somewhat captures the nature of the sensation in my thigh…if needles and pins were an Iron Maiden, that is.  This song went to Number One in the UK, Ireland, and South Africa.  It has been covered by many others, including Tom Petty, but this version gives me the better tingles. 
 
I saw her today, I saw her face, it was a face I loved, and I knew
I had to run away, and get down on my knees and pray
that they'd go away
But still they'd begin, needles and pins 

Because of all my pride, the tears I gotta hide
Hey I thought I was smart, I'd won her heart
Didn't think I'd do, but now I see
She's worse to him than me, let her go ahead
Take his love instead, and one day she will see
Just how to say please, and get down on her knees
Hey that's how it begins, she'll feel those needles and pins
A-hurtin' her, a-hurtin' her
 
Why can't I stop and tell myself I'm wrong, I'm wrong, so wrong
Why can't I stand up and tell myself I'm strong
Because I saw her today, I saw her face, it was a face I loved, and I knew
I had to run away, and get down on my knees and pray
that they'd go away
But still they'd begin, needles and pins
Because of all my pride, the tears I gotta hide
Oh needles and pins, needles and pins, needles and pins
 

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    Robin McGee: psychologist, author,
    and survivor.

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